Our collective crash out

We're *all* having 2020 PTSD flashbacks, right?

Does anyone else feel like they’re living in some kind of bizarro déjà vu version of 2020 these days?

The Bizarro Episode is def in my top 10 Seinfeld episodes.

Now that we’re into February, I can confidently say that this year is not off to a great start. Personally, I’ve been sick and cold and crabby. Collectively, we’ve¹ been terrified and triggered and re-traumatized.

The news has been a total shit sandwich: deadly wildfires, preventable plane crashes, Nazi salutes, dangerous executive orders…and wow, Justin Baldoni really is the worst, isn’t he? When you list out all those news headlines in a row, it kind of sounds like a new verse in R.E.M.’s It’s the End of the World as We Know It.

I don’t think it helps that we’re also *somehow* coming up on the 5-year anniversary of Covid. Although, anniversary feels like the wrong word because it implies some level of champagne and/or joy.

This demarkation is more of a traumaversary.

In many ways, it feels like Covid just ended 2 weeks ago and also like it happened 22 years ago and also like maybe it never happened at all and it was some weird David Lynchian dream.

But my body remembers. Last week my eye started twitching, somehow sensing that, again, I am not safe.

I’ve noticed more paranoia around getting sick. Fear that I’m unable to adequately protect my children. And at the center of it all is Donald Trump’s smug, dumb face. Again. Haven’t we already lived through this? Haven’t I seen this episode before?

When I think of all the pain, grief, confusion, and loneliness I’ve experienced over the last 5 years, I can pinpoint the exact moment when things started going sideways and never really course-corrected: February 2020.

It set something horrible in motion. It’s when I opened Pandora’s box and realized…oh wow, humanity really is that awful and selfish, huh? It’s when the bad started…and it has yet to ease up ever since² . Here are just a handful of awful things that happened after Covid began:

• Millions of people died due to misinformation and abysmal government management

• George Floyd was murdered

• My Mom got diagnosed with ALS and died

• There was a full insurrection in our country’s capital (which now people are pretending never happened)

• October 7…and consequently all the death, destruction and antisemitism that followed

• Climate change continued to kick our ass and humble us all

• Kamala lost the 2024 election

• IDK, everything???

Nothing has really felt right or good since then. It feels like I fucked up while reading some Choose Your Own Adventure book and now I can’t find a way to get back.

Life has felt truly uncolorful these last five years.

When I was a kid, I described any uncomfortable or unsettling moment or situation as “uncolorful.” Even though it’s not technically a word, it’s the only word that has ever felt right to me when trying to describe a vibe or situation that just feels off. Depressing. Unsettling. The opposite of a rainbow or of joy. It’s the feeling of trying to fall asleep in a strange, new room³.

This feeling has been hard for me to define, and yet, so prevalent throughout my life. It even inspired me to create my own Feelings Wheel, which…behold:

There have been a lot of Big Feelings in 2025 so far—mostly in the Burn It Down, Uncolorful, and Spiraling categories. But there’s also been this low-frequency worry that I am NOT doing enough to help improve this mess of a world…and also like I do not have capacity to do even one more thing.

Again, it’s all VERY 2020.

The only redeeming fact is that I know I am not alone in this. I know because every single one of my friends has echoed or expressed similar concerns, feelings, and fears. We are all one more inconvenience away from completely losing our shit. Which leads me to my favorite Gen Z phrase (maybe of all-time?): crash out

What does crash out mean? I like the definition in this article from Wondermind:

"Crashing out—at least this version of the phrase—means losing your shit in a big, impulsive, or reckless way. It’s flipping a table when someone tells you to pay attention (IYKYK). It’s sporadically quitting your job without a backup plan because you just can’t anymore. It’s throwing a drink in someone’s face after they insult you. The trend is likely a reflection of how some people (or all people?) are grappling with feelings of overwhelm, burnout, and exhaustion right now, says therapist Aimee Estrin, LMSW, who specializes in anxiety, depression, and self-esteem issues. “The fact that it is a viral trend speaks volumes about the collective state of mental wellbeing,” says Estrin.

Ok, cool. So we are all just one parking ticket away from going full Beyoncé Lemonade. Not just me.

Another bit from that Wondermind article: “Crashing out is more than just getting mad or upset, it’s a full-on system overload in which, ‘a single event or trigger, or the build-up of multiple events or triggers, overwhelms your capacity to cope, self-soothe, and process your emotions,’ explains Johnston.”

This very well-designed image was made by yours truly.

So what do we do? What CAN we do?

Honestly? Not that much…but here are a few things I’ve been doing lately that make me feel 0.001% better:

• Stronger social media boundaries - Inspired by some of my book club friends (shout out!) I recently gave myself a 30-minute limit on my use of Instagram every day. This is already helping! Also, I started unfollowing and muting people’s accounts who trigger my anxiety. Bye, bye, bye!

  

• Staying out of the news - Sorry not sorry but I do not have the emotional capacity for The Daily or Pod Save America anymore, I just don’t. See ya in four years!?

• Creating - Whether I’m writing or just coloring in a coloring book, being creative always makes me feel better.

• Long, hot showers

• 3 good things - In March 2020 I started keeping a list in my Notes app of 3 good things that happen every day…these things range from “a good night’s sleep” to “Pippa snuggles” to “a really good cookie” but I love the challenge of finding three things to be grateful for or to appreciate on any given day. It helps more than it probably should.

• Walks to get tea - Been enjoying my non-news podcasts while taking walks for chai.

• Watching dumb TV - Literally just watching Traitors and Bravo these days.

• Calling or FaceTiming my favorites - There’s nothing that beats talking to a friend when you feel down or distressed.

• Doing less!

What helps you? What am I missing? Are you crashing out too?

1. The normal people with good judgement who don’t trust Trump

2. With some brief moments of joy, like giving birth to Pippa and being introduced to Chappell Roan’s music

3. I asked Abby the other day what color her day was (after seeing a new agey IG post about questions you can ask your kid after school besides “How was your day?”) and she looked at me like I had 3 heads. Fail.