Worth the schlep? 🌎
Traveling with kids is a Herculean effort. Is it worth it?
When our daughter Abigail was a year-and-a-half, our good friends, Kelly and Cyrus, visited us in Minneapolis over Thanksgiving weekend. They have a daughter a couple months younger than Abigail, and both Brad and I were excited to catch up with them.
Kelly and Cyrus are the most adventurous and well-traveled couple I know. They’re knowledgeable, curious and worldly, without being snobby or smug. Before kids, the couple took a year off of work to travel around the world (and I mean AROUND the world). If you want the best food stall recommendation in the Medina of Marrakech, they’ve got you. They are seasoned travel veterans and adventure pros.
And then they became parents. Naturally, they didn’t want their whole adventurous lifestyle to die once they had a kiddo, so they consistently made the effort to travel with their kid and bring her to concerts, campouts, kayaks, etc.
Before their trip to visit us, I became fascinated by one specific photo they posted on Instagram. The square pic featured Kelly, Cyrus, their sweet pup, and their gorgeous, wide-eyed 1-year-old daughter piled into a hammock in the woods, all smiling broadly. Everyone looked relaxed and happy to be together.
This adorable photo felt like a personal affront. A targeted insult. My brain began to spiral and shuffle through 100,000 questions and thoughts:
How did everyone look so happy and relaxed? Camping with a 1-year-old!? Can you imagine!? The chutzpah. The hubris! Did the baby sleep? Did she try to put rocks or deer poop in her mouth? Was she toddling near a campfire? Near a cliff? What if a bear walked by…or some weirdo on LSD with a hunting knife?
So when they came to visit us, I asked Kelly about that photo. “How did the camping trip go!?” (I think I even added something about how brave or cool she was for even attempting such a trip).
She laughed and said, “Elyse, that trip was such a disaster! I was an anxious mess! We left in the middle of the night because it was getting so cold and I kept thinking of her freezing to death! Do not let Instagram fool you.”
Breaking news: Traveling with kids is *hard*
Instagram mostly shows us photos and videos of people at our most adventurous, employed, beautiful and Botoxed. (Thankfully, Gen Z seems to be bucking this trend, but we still have a long way to go). With so many shiny, happy photos shoved in our faces, it’s hard NOT to feel like you’re the only one struggling with your mental health, career, finances, relationship status, friendships, or parenthood.
I’ve noticed that I feel especially inadequate and tender scrolling through smiling families on big, adventurous international trips.
The confidence, executive functioning, finances and patience these trips require is astounding to me. Whether it’s a self-planned AirBNB situation in Paris, or an all-inclusive resort in Mexico, it all appears equally daunting. I’m anxious enough traveling by myself, trying to remember my passport, medications, comfortable shoes, bathing suits, and Tums…it feels even more high stakes being responsible for a bunch of other people and their stuff. In fact, I’ve heard the joke a few times that traveling with kids is never a “vacation” and is simply a “trip.”
I’ve watched in awe and envy over the years as various friends travel with their littles to Iceland, Portugal, Costa Rica, Israel, India…any place in a different time zone or with a different language just feels…impossible and unnecessary????
Two weeks ago we went on our first family-of-four international trip to Playa del Carmen, Mexico and it was…
Really, really hard.
I mean, I expected it to be…but it was still just wow. Next-level parenting. It felt like regular parenting but without my usual tricks and hacks of a home field advantage (specifically, Cocomelon and Cheez-Its).
For all intents and purposes, it *should* have been a pretty straightforward trip. We had one, nonstop 3.5-hour flight. We stayed at an all-inclusive, kid-friendly resort and didn’t even leave the property. Playa del Carmen is in our same time-zone. We traveled with Brad’s family, so we had some extra hands and help for support. We were only there 6 days.
And yet…it still left both Brad and me feeling like this:
The trip included sleepless nights, constipation, sunburns, lost and broken goggles, tantrums, bug bites, barf, random injuries, and a diet exclusively of pepperoni pizza for both children. We returned from the trip exhausted and deflated, vowing not to travel with them again for years to come.
But I was curious if this was *just* hard for us. Again, stupid, lying Instagram had me wondering: why was this so hard for us? Are we dumb? Are our kids especially tough? Are we doing this wrong?
So I took to Instagram Stories to ask some specific questions and get advice about traveling internationally with kids from my friends. Here were a few comments:
“Traveling with kids ages 1-4 years old is true misery. After that, it can be fun.”
“Pack SO MANY SNACKS”
“Traveling with my 4-year-old was fabulous and also scary. But if you have the chance to show them the world, do it. It gives everyone perspective.”
“Have realistic expectations. It’s key to all things with kids.”
“Plan shorter days. Rest. Kid-friendly activities.”
“Plan a few things but only if they’re flexible. Pin all the playgrounds.”
“Wait until they are 14 when they can walk, read, handle public transit, easily navigate their luggage and appreciate it.”
But even with all of these tips/hacks/help my big question still remains…
Is traveling internationally with young children worth it?
Let’s have an old-school debate to review the pros + cons of traveling internationally with young children…
The argument: Traveling internationally with children is worth the effort.
ARGUMENT FOR: Traveling is a deeply enriching experience and changes the way you see the world and yourself. For children, their worlds are often small; ping ponging between home, school, the playground, the library. Being exposed to different languages, cultures, foods, people and traditions is essential to helping them understand how large the world is and how their own customs and routines are not shared universally. Even if they are too young to *remember* every part of an international trip, they’ll have fond memories and associations with travel which will help them be more adventurous and curious throughout the course of their lives.
ARGUMENT AGAINST: Traveling with young children (especially internationally) is a thankless, godless effort…one with very few tangible, measurable, immediate benefits for a very steep price (financially and emotionally). The effort it takes to get passports, save money, plan/schedule/book logistics, pack suitcases (including planning for meals and snacks, car seats, strollers, etc. forever) is simply not worth it. Young children whine and complain, don’t appreciate the beauty or history, and can ruin the experience for the adults. Sometimes traveling internationally can be dangerous, especially if a kiddo gets sick and you’re not near reputable hospitals or doctors. One could argue that traveling internationally is inherently risky and does NOT serve the best interest of children.
ARGUMENT FOR: Traveling IS in the best interest of children (according to a study by the Student & Youth Travel Association, kids who travel benefit in a myriad of ways including superior performance in school.) But even if it weren’t, it’s definitely in the best interest of the parents/adults. According neuropsychologist Paul Nussbaum, an adjunct professor at the University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine:
“When you engage in something that’s novel and complex, your brain thrives,” Nussbaum said. Travel disrupts rote behaviors, forcing us to constantly adapt to less familiar environments. “We’re all sort of routinized animals; we do similar things in similar ways,” he said. “It’s when we get out of that and challenge ourselves that there’s a benefit to brain health.”
So many families prioritize the needs of their kids at the expense of the mental and physical health of the parents, which can lead to resentment and disconnection. Kids shouldn’t stop you from pursuing your own travel dreams and curiosities. You can’t wait until you’re retired to explore the world. Plus, parenting is hard anywhere so you may as well be on a damn beach.
ARGUMENT AGAINST: You can still explore the world…it just might be more enjoyable to do it without your kids? If you’re single/solo, you’ll enjoy the quiet and exploration time. If you’re in a couple or coparenting, it’s a good respite from parenting and can add some sparks to your relationship. If you have family members or trusted friends who can watch your kid(s) for a little while to give you a vacation, that sounds like a better use of time/energy/money than planning a big trip for the whole family only to have everyone tired, annoyed and disregulated the whole time.
ARGUMENT FOR: Traveling with the whole family leads to some really beautiful, invaluable family bonding moments, creating memories that will last for years to come. Even the hard parts and missteps will eventually transform into hilarious stories. Plus, traveling altogether is fun! Seeing the world through your kids’ eyes is great! While it’s hard, the joy far outweighs the inevitable and temporary meltdowns and tough moments.
ARGUMENT AGAINST: But can’t you create beautiful, invaluable family bonding moments at home? Can’t you go to a water park or take a hike or pitch a tent in the backyard? Do you really need to spend thousands of dollars and cross time-zones to get that kind of dopamine kick? So many families can’t afford big, fancy trips or taking time off of work….do their kids not feel connected or bonded to them? Frankly this is feeling kind of classist.
ARGUMENT FOR: Of course you can bond at home! But traveling exposes your family to other cultures, languages, customs, art, music, traditions, cuisine.
ARGUMENT AGAINST: Is it *that* cultural if your kid is just ordering pepperoni pizza from an all-inclusive resort in Mexico?
ARGUMENT FOR: I get that it doesn’t feel that way. But yes. There’s still value in it. Go live your life and take your kids! Explore! Adventure!
ARGUMENT AGAINST: It just sounds like a lot of work and money to try and plan something my kids will ultimately not enjoy or appreciate.
ARGUMENT FOR: Yeah that’s fair, I guess.
In conclusion, there are pros and cons…duh…
Our trip to Mexico was pretty rough…I didn’t love sharing a hotel room as a family of four and most of the time one of the four of us was crying/sick/hot/uncomfortable at any given moment. I can’t imagine if we’d gone to a more remote destination, not had help from family or had to deal with any additional logistical hurdles or accessibility challenges. For Brad and me, we’ll be locking our passports in the safe for a few years and will maybe try again later.
But if you’re planning your own international trip don’t let me scare you, this post has a few really solid tips to review. Bon voyage (if you want to)!
As someone with two autistic kids who still believes in travel, having things like safe foods (Like your kid only eating pepperoni pizza in Mexico) Or bringing every stuffy they own, Or taking fewer trips that are much longer so that you can transition less, Or having family for help, or maybe not going with extended family because that's too many people.... Learning what's right can be difficult but it is worthwhile. What I dislike so much about the Hannah post comment is that it's actually really unfair. First, we aren't owed perfect behavior or some big thank you for a trip. Our kids have no expectations because they have no experience. Everything is new and that can actually be more scary than exhilarating for many children. Also, to say that we do all these things and "our kids are angry" is because most of the time it's overwhelming and it just comes out as anger. And that's okay. We have to understand our kids, prepare them in advance, and expect to parent as if we are at a perpetual birthday party (think sensory overload and exec fxn out the window) and we can make it all go easier for everyone. OUR expectations matter. You also get better at it as your children get older, not because they get easier, but because you know them better. Many Big things like vacations or birthdays or weddings are actually not that fun when you're in it. Even for a bunch of adults. But 5 years later all you remember is that you were together experiencing something new.