Penguin pebbling + the most misunderstood love language
“Baby, I'm a giver” 🐧
Friday night in the Ash household is movie night. Brad, Abby, and I usually take turns selecting a movie, although half the time we forget whose turn it is and just end up watching the first 70% of Wicked for the hundredth time1.
A few weeks ago, I chose the DisneyNature documentary Penguins, narrated by the oh-so-delightful Ed Helms. It’s a deep dive about Adélie penguins in Antarctica and the whole thing is super cute. My favorite part is when the hero, “Steve,” starts collecting pebbles to both build his nest and also gift/impress his future paramour. It’s so cute and sweet and endearing. Imagine! A pebble hand beak-selected in the Antarctic tundra just for you!
About a year ago, I was complaining to my therapist about a friend I hadn’t heard from in months. I was hurt because she didn’t text me on my birthday or send me a gift…which was upsetting because I had just sent her a thoughtful birthday gift a few weeks earlier…so, what the fuck!? Sure, I’m 41 years old and make my own money, but where was my gift?2
My therapist—on the other hand—used this moment to ask me, “Elyse, have you ever wondered if gift giving is your primary love language?”
Excuse me. Gift giving? Absolutely not, lady. Everyone knows my top love language is WORDS OF AFFIRMATION. I AM A WRITER. WORDS RULE ALL.
I couldn’t believe she’d suggest that my top love language was gift giving. Hello!? That’s the most forgettable, stupid one! NO ONE’S top love language is gift giving. Did she think I was some shallow gold digger? Was I Madonna in the Material Girl music video just stewing every anniversary that Brad doesn’t bust out a little blue box?
At this point I think we’re all pretty familiar with the concept of the 5 Love Languages3. But if you’re uninitiated, the premise is that every person has one primary way that they give and receive love. Usually this is connected to how you were (or weren’t) shown love growing up. Yes, you can have more than one, but there’s one primary language you prefer to be loved in (and usually people subconsciously show their love to others in the way THEY want to receive love).
The 5 Love Languages:
Words of Affirmation
Quality Time Together
Acts of Service
Physical Touch
Gift Giving
A lot of conflicts with our romantic partners stem from us having different love languages. For example, Brad’s primary love language is Acts of Service. I know he’d prefer that I put gas in the car, cook a healthy dinner, or clean up the yard instead of just telling him I love him.
Well turns out all this time that I thought I was a Words of Affirmation person, I’m actually a Gift Giving girlie…
When I lay out the evidence, it’s pretty damning:
I *love* giving gifts to other people, even if it’s not their birthday or the holidays. Nothing makes me happier than sending snail mail or care packages—both giving and receiving.
I get absolutely HIGH when I find an item I know someone will love, and there’s no greater joy than being handed a crumpled finger-painted picture or a wilted bunch of dandelions by one of my kids.
I love when someone gives me a gift and says, “It just made me think of you!” or “I just knew you would love this!”
I value the amount of time or effort a gift took to acquire/present more than the actual item itself. The rarer, more custom, or more time spent on a gift, the better.
Conversely, my biggest pet peeve is when people say, “Oh I was going to get you XYZ but then I didn’t…” HATE. You don’t get credit for having a thought. You get credit for doing it.
I weirdly enjoy writing thank you notes (not a popular take).
I have weird private “rules” around gift opening…I don’t like when people open my gifts in front of a big group (and I also don’t like opening gifts in front of a big group); it’s too intimate! It’d be like reading a poem you wrote about your friend in front of everyone.
I adore gift wrapping - both the paper/ribbons/bows/accouterment as well as the act of wrapping a gift. The best day of the year is the day I spend wrapping all my family’s Hanukkah gifts. And I notice when someone else wraps something beautifully for me. The first time my dad and Madeleine came to visit us, Madeleine brought her own tissue paper so she could wrap gifts for the girls here. When I said, “Oh I have lots of gift wrap here,” she tutted me away and said that it was her pleasure to make the gifts beautiful for them. She then taught me the Jewish concept of “Hiddur Mitzvah” which aligns with my appreciation for beauty and objects in a way that makes me feel less ashamed for caring about aesthetics4.
My mom was a notoriously thoughtful and generous gift giver. She’d bring her own therapist a coffee and chocolate croissant to every session. She sent the best care packages when we were away at camp. She was constantly getting Becca and me little trinkets and collectibles (she’d always gift us a little souvenir when we were in a show or play to remember the experience). When I was little, she famously drove around to MULTIPLE McDonalds across suburban Virginia so I could have ALL of the Berenstain Bears figurines featured in their Happy Meals. This was the bar I was accustomed to. Anyone who really loved me would have no issue driving all over northern Virginia to help complete my set.
And in a beautiful bookend, I also love getting gifts for *my* girls. When I spot a hair clip I think Abby would like or a Tinker Bell sticker that I know Pippa will love, I buy it stealthily. Then I wait for a moment when I think they could use a little bit of extra loving and give it to them. It always brightens their day. And conversely, there’s no greater joy than being handed a crumpled finger-painted picture or a wilted bunch of crushed dandelions by one of my kids. JOY.
Gift giving is probably the most misunderstood, underrated, and oft-forgotten of all the love languages. At first glance people might think we’re materialistic, caring more about physical items than cuddles or quality time. But that’s not what it’s about. Some of the times I’ve felt the most seen and cared for were after receiving a unique, thoughtful, one-of-a-kind object or item.
Gift giving can also be a great way to put someone at ease and make them feel important, right off the bat. It’s why you’re not supposed to show up to a dinner party empty-handed and why so many cultures use gift giving as a way to show respect, recognition, and gratitude.
Just as I started embracing my newfound identity as a gift-giver, I stumbled upon something that made me feel even more seen: the concept of 'penguin pebbling' in the neurodivergent community.
On Valentine’s Day, I received an A+ newsletter from Dr. Danika Maddocks5 of the Gifted Learning Lab. The newsletter topic was titled, “Neurodivergent Expressions of Love and Friendship” and it featured content from Stimpunks articulating the five "neurodivergent love locutions."
Similar to the “Five Love Languages” the “Five Neurodivergent Love Locutions” include:
Infodumping: “Infodumping is a term for sharing a lot of information about an interest, passion, or area of knowledge - usually at length and in great detail. When your kid tells you 100 new facts about Pokemon, retells a YouTube video or Warrior Cats plot in detail, or explains complex chemistry while you cook dinner…this is infodumping as a form of connection.”
Paralell Play, Body Doubling: “Parallel play is when two people do separate activities near each other but without influencing each other's activities or play. Body doubling is when someone stays near another person while they do a task, to help them focus or complete the task.”
Support Swapping: “Support swapping refers to the fact that neurodivergent folks often support one another in validating, comfortable, nonjudgmental ways, with both small and big tasks. For example, a neurodivergent person may find it helpful if a friend reminds them to hydrate without judgment or if their partner starts the shower for them to make it easier to get started with that task.”
Deep Pressure: “Many neurodivergent people find deep pressure regulating. Deep pressure can come from bear hugs, being squeezed, strong massages, being wrapped in a blanket…”
Penguin Pebbling: “Penguins exchange pebbles to show care and connection. A lot of neurodivergent people also show connection and care by giving their loved ones special items or by sharing information that reminds them of the other person or that the other person may find helpful. If your kid brings you little shiny objects and nature items they found outside, this is probably a form of penguin pebbling to show their affection and that they're thinking of you. Teens may tell you facts or ideas they heard that they think will interest you, or send you funny videos or gifs they think you'll like.”
YOU GUYS, I’M A PENGUIN PEBBLER!
Doesn’t that sound so much cooler than Gift Giver?
Penguin Pebbling is a little exchange between two people to show that they care and want to build a meaningful connection. For neurodivergent people, giving little gifts spontaneously can be a meaningful way of communicating that you are thinking about someone and that you care. Again, it’s not about spending money but the desire and intention to build a connection.
It could be as simple as a seashell, a photograph or a funny giph.
From Autistic Realms:
“Navigating the complex world of communication and socialization may feel too much at times and Penguin Pebbling is a small act to show you care, just because it is a nice thing to do!”
It’s not about price or presentation. You could literally be gifted a pack of your favorite candy from CVS…but knowing someone thought about you and remembers or cares about your preferences, comfort, and joy? Now that’s love as a verb6, baby.
I’m hoping that Chappell Roan will make giving cool. Her new single 'The Giver' sounds like a gay Shania Twain karaoke anthem, and I am here for it. Her whole vibe is dripping with thoughtful, unapologetic generosity—very penguin pebbler energy.
Don’t get me wrong; hugs and words are nice too, but giving…that’s where it’s at. Givers, unite!
Abby doesn’t like any of the parts with the Wizard…which just demonstrates that my love for her eclipses my love for Jeff Goldblum…in case that was in question.
In my brain, this felt like a very valid thing to be annoyed about.
Let’s temporarily ignore the fact that the author of this concept is very Christian and a little off in general…
Hiddur mitzvah means taking the time and making an effort to create or acquire the most beautiful ceremonial objects possible in order to enrich the religious observance with aesthetic dimension.
Danika Maddocks is an A++++ follow for anyone with a Twice Exceptional kid or who wants to learn more about neurodivergence.
If you haven’t read bell hooks’ book all about love, I highlyyyy recommend it.
These concepts are so insightful!! I definitely do body doubling and info dump 😂😂 also I discovered as an adult that physical touch was very important to me in a relationship. Sometimes you might be with an awesome partner but if the way they show love doesn’t match with yours… or at least overlaps in some ways, disappointment is on the horizon.
Long comment to say: great post! You are fantastic. 💖
LOVE this! Nice one, Elyse! This makes me see all the cat videos my son sends us through a new lens. He’s penguin pebbling with funny felines. And I really appreciate the insights into the neurodivergent love languages. I think I’ve been on the receiving end of a lot of those info dumps and now I feel touched by that. The only downside to this piece is that, as a Physical Touch person (arguably the most boring and obvious live language) it’s making me realize I really need to up my gift giving game. Maybe I’ll just lean into sending more amusing gifs.