My uncalm relationship with the Calm app
Some feedback + a new app idea for the folks at Calm 🧘
I pay $70 a year for unlimited access to people reading me chapters from Jane Austen’s Persuasion and rain sound effects.
Which is to say; I am a paid subscriber of the Calm app.
I started using the Calm app to fall asleep a year ago, after Brad shamed me for only being able to fall asleep to the soothing sounds of Seinfeld reruns coursing through my AirPods. He mocked me by wondering if there could be a louder, more obnoxious show to try to fall asleep to (and then he bought me this sweatshirt last Hanukkah:
But as an East Coast Jewish gal, Seinfeld sounds more like my family and less like a bunch of assholes trying to get away with shit. Frank Costanza’s yelling is soothing to me. I don’t care if it’s weird.
I pretty much can only fall asleep with AirPods in these days…which reminds me of one of my favorite bits of Taylor Tomlinson’s 2024 act Have it All:
I digress. After being teased by my husband for my ad hoc Seinfeld meditations, I decided that, yeah maybe it’d be healthier to fall asleep to something more relaxing than Larry David’s voice as George Steinbrenner, like ACTUAL meditations.
My mom used to listen to guided meditations every morning and bought me a few of my own tapes/CDs. My high school best friend, Ashley, and I would often meditate after high school to this specific cassette tape called “Magic Island” and it was both funny (we were always making fun of it) and helpful (we would both fall asleep immedaitely). Can you tell we were super popular and got invited to lots of parties?
So I started listening to some free meditations on YouTube, and then I figured, what the hell, let’s give one of those new-fangled meditation apps a try.
I don’t remember why I decided on Calm versus any of the other 9,000 meditation apps (e.g. Headspace, Talkspace, Mindspace, Mindfuck). I did zero consumer research or crowdsourcing. I guess Calm just seemed the most curated, popular option.
It’s worth noting that I despise the name “Calm.” It has the opposite affect on me; immediately causing rage1.
But I’ve found some solid sleep stories on the app that I really enjoy (especially after the last couple hellish weeks). I’ve realized that the key is to find a topic I’m vaguely into but not SOOOO interested in that it distracts me and gets me overly invested and coming up with a million questions to later research.
The Sleep Stories I Enjoy:
Passages from Walden
Little Women
A Very Proper Tea Party (narrated by Dame Mary Berry!2)
The Artist: Dreaming with Frida
A Rainy Day in Paris
Monet’s Garden
Persuasion
Recently though, the Calm app has been suggesting some absolutely UNHINGED sleep stories to me.
These recordings feature personalities and topics I do NOT associate with tranquility….at all. I’m not sure if every Calm app subscriber gets suggested these gems, but these are absolutely 100% real Sleep Stories that the Calm team brainstormed, recorded, and posted on their app.
Exhibit A:
I cannot think of a LESS comforting voice to listen to than Michael Barbaro. To be fair, I haven’t even tried to listen to this3, so maybe he’s some kind voiceover wizard, but the synapses in my brain associate him with news-related anxiety and fear so deeply that there’s just no way this man could get me relaxed.
Exhibit B:
Ahh, yes, let me fall asleep to the soothing sounds of a Marvel Villain. I’m all in on Tom Hardy doing pretty much anything, but this shit cracks me up. Who is this being marketed to? Anxious elder millennial dads who need a distraction from their big work presentation the next day?
I think I just answered my own question.
Exhibit C:
Ya’ll the pandering of this sleep story to Swifties is just plain offensive. I’m not falling for it, Donna (and sorry but listening to an elite athlete’s mom talk about anything could not possibly be calming). Plus, football is not boring or relaxing! Did you catch that wild-ass hail mary throw during the Commanders/Bears game the other week? Get out of here.
What’s next? A sleep story about Jeffrey Dahmer? Leaked audio from a P Diddy party? Al Gore discussing the climate crisis?
Like what are the people in those Calm app offices brainstorming and can I pitch a new idea?
How about a new sister brand for Calm called: Anxious.
Introducing: Anxious
Do you find yourself too relaxed throughout the course of the day?
Do you need a jolt of adrenaline pumping through your body so you can stay alert and on-edge?
If you’re someone feeling a little too comfortable with the state of our world these days, might we suggest The Anxious App.
For today only, you can download Calm’s new sister app, Anxious, which offers a robust catalog of audio stories, sound effects, and snippets to stress to. Enjoy some of our most popular Stress Stories, which include:
Your doctor calling you to “walk you through your test results”
Your accountant asking for a missing 1099 form
Your dad teaching you to drive a stick shift
Your college counselor explaining that you missed the deadline to drop a course so your Economics grade will go on your transcript
Your boss mansplaining your performance improvement plan to you
Your car breaking down in the middle of a busy intersection
Or if you prefer, explore our rage-inducing ambient noises, which includes a library of unhinged sound affects on an endless loop to keep you teetering right on the edge of sanity:
Lawnmowers + leaf blowers humming (Cate Blanchett and I agree)
Tiktok failed to load.
Enable 3rd party cookies or use another browserYour neighbor’s untrained dog barking at all hours of the day and night
A toddler having a tantrum in the checkout aisle of Target
An 18-wheeler trying to make a 3-point-turn on a crowded city street
Hold music while you wait for a representative from your Internet Service Provider
Anyway, just a thought. Take it or leave it, Mr. Cuban.
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I think I hate the name Calm because it seems like it’s preemptively shaming me for being anxious. Stop telling me to “Calm Down” before I’ve even done anything yet. Like yeah, thanks, I’d LIKE to be calm…but maybe stop putting so much pressure on me
My secret sleep hack is to fall asleep listening to old episodes of The Great British Baking Show; I find British people fretting about lamination and shortening incredibly soothing. This is a very good alternate if you don’t want to buy a subscription to Calm.
The idea of Michael Barbaro on the Calm app is too funny. His voice is so distinct and recognizable. 😂
lollll these sleep story ideas are brilliant. 3 things your post made me think of: 1) I might need to download Calm, 2) this super goofy MPLS artist that I discovered through Creative Mornings used to have a sleep story podcast with episodes like "Let Meg soothe you with the lyrics to the 1994 hit 'Scatman'" and "Relaxing review of the Rainforest Cafe at the Mall of America" and "Meg Soothingly Reads a Dr. Bronner's Soap Label" and "Shoe Shopping With Your Good Friend Paul Rudd." And 3) I recently had to call the 1-800-Contacts customer service line and it was a TREAT. They have someone narrating their hold music, which is the typical random jazz, with things like "there's about to be a KILLER sax solo, wait for it...."