Is it possible to be a good mom *and* a good wife?

At least I'm not Ruby Franke 🤷🏻‍♀️

Two weeks ago I had a beautiful dinner date with Meg, a newish friend whom I successfully converted from Cool Girl I Follow on IG to IRL Friend¹.

I don’t remember when I started following Meg on Instagram…but I knew she was also in the Minneapolis marketing industry, a Bravo girlie, and a Cool Mom².

Over cucumber tequila cocktails at Vinai, we talked about our astrology charts, The Valley, and also…parenting. Meg caught me during an emotionally volatile week and I was craving her insight. Meg is a single mom to a middle schooler who is bright, charismatic, and confident, so I wanted ALL of her tips. I was feeling tender around how I should balance a moment of tension in my family.

Meg offered me some great thoughts and encouragement and ended our conversation with this insight: “You’re being torn in more directions though, because you’re both a mom and a wife.”

Look at us performing parenthood…

It brought me back to a question I’ve been noodling over the last few months:

Is it even possible to be a good wife and a good mom? What do you do when your kids’ needs and your marital needs are in direct opposition to one another?

It seems like you have a few choices if you’re married/partnered and have kiddos. You can be a:

1. Good partner, but shitty parent

2. Shitty partner, but good parent

3. Shitty partner and a shitty parent

4. Trying your fucking best to be a good partner and a good parent…and also you’re VERY tired and possibly abandoning yourself in the process

Simply put: just because someone’s a good parent, doesn’t mean they’re a good partner—and vice versa. In the words of the insightful, level-headed Jax Taylor:

I live so deeply in the Vanderpump Rules + The Valley cinematic universe that it’s slowly taking over my ability to think about anything unrelated. I am a sleeper agent for Andy Cohen.

As parents, we’re oftentimes forced to choose between what is “best” for our kids and what is “best” for our partner or our family unit as a whole or even ourselves. For example, maybe the “best” school for one of your kids is two hours away and costs $15,000 a year in tuition. Would we struggle to pay that and then drive one child two hours back and forth every day? Even if it’s the BEST? Where is the line between what is best for each individual child and what is best for your partner and what is best for you and what is best for the family unit as a whole?³

Frequently, all of my family’s needs are in direct conflict with one another.

Last night, Brad wanted to watch the hockey playoff game. Abby didn’t want sports on the TV because the NBA bozos aired the SCARIEST “LAST OF US” COMMERCIAL OF ALL-TIME DURING A SUNDAY AFTERNOON TIMBERWOLVES GAME WHICH—I DON’T THINK SO HONEY—so now my 7-year-old is terrified of ALL TV commercials. Pippa wanted some chocolate chips in a white bowl. I wanted everyone to stop whining.

Ok, but then what? Brad looked at me with “Are we really gonna let our 7-year-old win? Do I have to watch The Game in the basement?” eyes. Abby looked at me with “Are you gonna traumatize your daughter with freakin’ zombie commercials on TV before bed?” eyes. And again, Pippa just wanted more chocolate chips (her needs are the simplest to meet these days TBH).

We eventually negotiated a solution where Abby wore her headphones and faced away from the TV while her and I played a card game. Brad watched the Caps lose in overtime on the TV and Pippa enjoyed her chocolate chips while playing Playmobil people. But honestly, this is the exception to the rule. Usually, either the kids get their way/needs met or the adults get their way/needs met.

This is a gross oversimplification but it *seems* as though if I “pick my kids,” then my relationship suffers. And if I prioritize my relationship, then my kids feel ignored. It’s impossible to make everyone happy⁴.

Because while there is an endless supply of love in families, there is a finite, fixed amount of time, energy, and money.

So oftentimes you are faced with decisions in a household like:

• What movie are we going to watch for family night?

• We *really* need a date night but there’s a thunderstorm and the kids are terrified of us leaving them with a babysitter during a storm…

• We only have enough money for one trip this year…should it be a family trip or a couple’s trip to reconnect?

• The kids are begging for the Frozen soundtrack in the car but if I hear “Let It Go” one more time this calendar year I will drive this car into a lake.

Now tack on extra stress and debates for any extra kiddos you have (and/or their specific preferences and needs) and any additional stress your family is under (e.g. financial, social, emotional, whatever).

You can’t be everywhere. You can’t do everything. You have to make decisions. And when you put a lot of energy into one human or one aspect of your life, the other pieces usually go untended and get a bit neglected. It reminds me of this Shonda Rhimes commencement speech:

@rnbisalive‘Whenever you see me somewhere succeeding in one area of my life, that almost certainly means I am failing in another area of my life’ - Shonda Rhimes 📝✨ [2014] Dartmouth Commencement #Speech #dailyreminder #inspire #dailymotivation #lifelessons #wordsofwisdom #sacrifice #shondarhimes #shondaland #fyp

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I’ve written before, openly wondering (aka publicly begging for approval) whether I’m a “good” mom. But I also wonder frequently if I’m a good wife. And is it even possible to be both?

By the time both kids are in bed, Brad and I are fried. Socially, emotionally, physically. We’re C-R-I-S-P-Y. We give so much energy to the kids and to work and to the random household chores like cooking dinner, folding laundry, paying bills etc. that by the time it’s just us, we really are giving each other the bare minimum. And therefore, our relationship can suffer when we don’t mindfully make time and space for one another.

There’s some conflicting advice out there when it comes to whom you should prioritize as a mom and wife during this phase of life⁵:

Camp A: Prioritize your children. They need you more. Your husband is a grown-ass man. Your kids need you to help them wipe their butts. And co-regulate with them. They need extra snuggles at night when they have bad dreams. You’re their safe person. The best way you can help them develop into well-adjusted adults with well-regulated nervous systems is by being fully present and creating an authentic, trusting relationship with them as children. If you do not prioritize your kids over your marriage, your kids will feel abandoned and alone. So what if your husband feels neglected or undervalued or lonely. He’s a big boy and he can handle himself. There is nothing like a mother’s love—DO NOT FUCK THIS UP.

Camp B: Prioritize your marriage. Your kids will not always need you the way they need you when they’re little. Trust me, you don’t want to wake up one day when they’re 18-years-old and your partner is endlessly scrolling on his phone in a chronic state of disassociation. You need to focus on your relationship for yourselves but ALSO for your children because WHAT IF YOU GUYS BREAK UP? THAT WOULD REALLY FUCK THEM UP, WOULDN’T IT? And what if you ignore your husband and then he falls in love with a webcam girl? He loved you first. He was your home first—DO NOT FUCK THIS UP.

So, which is it?

You can’t prioritize two things, by definition of the word “prioritize.” And also…may I be so bold as to ask where MY needs come in? Am I allowed to have any? Maybe I should just give up and drive my car into the lake (second reference to this very specific dark fantasy in case my therapist is reading this, which she sometimes does which is the biggest flex I could possibly make).

Anyway, all this to say…this is why my screentime on my phone is so fucking humiliating. Thinking about any of this for more than 0.5 seconds makes my brain overheat and shut down like a 10-year-old laptop.

I don’t know much about where to go from here…but here’s what I do know:

While you can’t prioritize two things, you can absolutely drop the ball on both. Just take Ruby Franke for example (I highly recommend watching the Hulu documentary Devil in the Family if you wanna feel like a VERY Good Mom).

Maybe instead of trying to be the perfect wife and the perfect mom, I should just aim to be a decently mediocre B- version of both. It’s less stressful, probably more sustainable, and honestly, my kids are still gonna tell their therapist I ruined their lives someday anyway so what’s the point.

As another one of my beautiful, brilliant mom friends Mary Clare Jensen wisely told me, “Stop doing so much. Join the Negligent Mother Club! It’s hard, but just know it’s ok to let go. I am letting it all goooo and man it feels so good.”

Happy Mother’s Day! Stay negligent!

1. This is my proudest social accomplishment. A true acrobatic feat.

2. She is practically Amy Poehler in Mean Girls.

3. No seriously, I’m asking. What’s the answer?

4. If you’ve been reading this Substack for any length of time you know is my Ultimate #1 Goal At All Times and is very rational and also attainable.

5. I’m oversimplifying for comedic affect and just through my own interpretive lens, because this is not a Serious Essay.