Is it actually *easier* to parent when my partner's out of town?
What’s the psychology here? 👶👶
A few weeks ago, Brad was in L.A. for three days, and…it was the calmest, easiest stretch of parenting I’ve had in years. No meltdowns, no illnesses, no bedtime battles. Just peace, quiet, and a full two-hour window each night to binge The Traitors and read The Wedding People in blissful solitude.
The three days were almost suspiciously low-key—adorable, but a little eerie.
Brad and I talked about it when he got home and guess what? He’s found this experience to be true, as well. When I’m gone, he says that the girls are also sweeter, better behaved, and more inclined to listen to him. I asked him why he thought that was and he said:
“It’s tougher to have two head coaches.”
Facts.
During the week he was away, I texted a dear friend for her thoughts and here’s what she said:
Solid points all around.
Clearly I’m not the only parent to notice this phenomenon. I found a few articles while researching this (along with this podcast episode), that all mention the same unexpected benefits1.
I asked another friend for her opinion. She has three daughters under the age of 6 and her husband travels weekly for work. She is an Advanced-Level Parent (both solo and with her husband), so I was extra curious about her experience. She said that when her husband is away:
“The girls listen to me and act differently. They act a little more independent and know they need to do things differently. It’s also easier when it comes to decision-making - all the visual and invisible decisions I make during the day. I pick the meals. The bed time. When he’s here, I have quiet thoughts like “Is he picking them up or am I? Is he hungry for the same thing I am? Is he doing laundry or can I throw in a load?” There are some days I find solo-parenting really empowering though. Like, I did this! I’m capable! I’m so good at this! Hair flip!
Here are some other theories I’ve been noodling as to why things feel smoother and quieter when it’s just me and the kiddos.
Some theories as to why it’s easier for me to parent solo:
Fewer Needs to Juggle: There is one less human to monitor and worry about; which also means, fewer needs to juggle and consider…which is 25% of my family. And I’m a people pleaser! So this means I have 25% fewer needs and moods to track when Brad’s gone. That’s a significant margin.
One Head Coach: Brad’s point around things going smoother when you have one head coach feels true. When you’re making all the decisions yourself, you don’t have the time or energy to second guess things or wait around for ideas, buy-ins, or approvals. You just do whatever works best for you and the kids at any given moment (HOWEVER, I did end up down a Freakonomics rabbit hole that took the opposing POV, so that confused me for a while).
Less Waiting to Be Saved: I’m not waiting for someone else to jump in and do anything or rescue me. Let me caveat this by saying that Brad is an incredibly hands-on partner and parent. He does TONS of chores and work around the house, makes fantastic dinners, drops the girls off every morning, knows the bedtime routines forwards and backwards…but still…sometimes when I walk by a pile of clean laundry and he’s just scrolling on his phone NOT folding tiny pairs of underwear, I’m annoyed. So when he’s not here, I know I’m gonna have to do all the things, which somehow doesn’t piss me off as much. Out of sight, out of mind?
Less Pressure to Perform Motherhood: Maybe this is just me (and idk maybe this is unhealthy), but I find it far easier and less stressful to parent without an audience. I’m not consciously censoring myself, but I definitely "perform" motherhood differently when Brad—or anyone, really—is around. When it’s just me and the girls, I’m goofier, more laid-back, and less concerned with doing things the ‘right’ way.
More R+R: With more solo time, it’s easier for me to decompress. Not that hanging out and watching Shrinking with Brad requires a lot of work or focus, but it is a very different vibe of just numbing out by myself then even trying to compromise on what to watch with my partner. I go to bed earlier. I just feel more rested and relaxed. That’s not nothing.
A Helpful Village: Other people take pity on me. My Uncle Rick helped watch Pippa one night so I could take Abby to a Girl Scout meeting. My dad and Madeleine sent a gift card to the girls’ favorite restaurant so we could get takeout. Other friends are very sympathetic too when I have to back out of stuff due to the scheduling shift. I definitely feel like my village is quick to spring into action if I express that I need help when Brad is gone.
It’s Just Short-Term: I know Brad’s coming back and the solo parenting is just temporary. I think if we were permanently separated or I was solo parenting for an extended period of time, I’d feel more stressed/burnt out and less centered. Because it’s just for a few days, I’m able to embrace some of the chaos far better than if it were a permanent change. I know the end is in sight.
Makes Me Feel Like I Can Do Anything: Echoing what my mom friend said…in a lot of ways it boosts my confidence! I feel super capable and proud when Brad comes back and the house is not only still standing, but the laundry is done and the sink is empty. (When I was in Turks + Caicos for 4 days, I came home to FRESH BAKED cookies from scratch…talk about a flex…go Brad!)
One more thing…while peeking and poking around the internet to learn more about this bizarre phenomenon, I fell into a Reddit rabbit hole with this post.
The comments on this thread are SO good and validate a lot of my theories above. Here are a handful of my favorites:
“I think there's some efficiency in knowing exactly what needs to be done, doing it yourself on your timeline, making all the choices yourself, planning your schedule in the way that works best for you, without compromise or coordination with another person.”
“I've read somewhere that it has to do with the unspoken expectations parents have when our partner is there vs not. If we know we're solo parenting, we mentally prepare for no down time and being 'on' the whole time…”
“When I'm parenting alone, I generally keep things simple. Quick meals, trips to the playground or library, basic chores, small playdates. I leave bigger things for later.”
So, does this mean I actually prefer solo parenting? Absolutely not. But it’s fascinating how a shift in dynamics can change everything. Maybe it’s about expectations. Maybe it’s about control. Maybe it’s just the universe having a laugh, since Brad now has an unexpected longer work trip coming up. Guess we’ll see if my theory holds up…stay tuned.
I hope this goes without saying, but I’m in NO WAY implying that parenting is easier for solo parents…I’m purely speaking from my own experience when my husband is away temporarily. I also get that parenting alone for a few days is NOT the same as being a single parent. Not even fucking close.