What it feels like to be an American Jew today

Centering myself for one minute. Please don’t throw a rock through my window.

How does it feel to be an American Jew today?

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<me repeatedly punching the keyboard>

That’s pretty much how it feels. End of essay.

JK - although that would def be easier than trying to articulate what I’m actually feeling right now.

But first, who asked me!?

Literally no one. But, if you care about how one singular Reform Jew in America¹ is feeling about my religious and cultural identity today, the words I’d use would be:

• Weird

• Confused

• Sad Depressed

• Embarrassed

• Paranoid

• Scared

• Lonely

• A little gross

These are NOT words I often associate with my religion (Judaism) or my cultural identity (Jewish). Although they ARE words that my high school crushes would have used to describe teenage Elyse (Self-own! Up top!)

13-year-old Elyse at her Bat Mitzvah in 1996

I’ve always been proud to be Jewish. I have a deep love of my summers spent at Camp Harlam, nigguns, and the smell of challah. It’s joyful to explain my holidays and traditions to my non-Jewish friends. I find it fun to debate whether it’s “OK” to get a tattoo or eat bacon. I love the mezuzot that hang throughout the various thresholds of our house. We don’t just have one mezuzah; we have a whole-ass collection.

It’s all adding up…and it’s a lot…

But of course with the Israel/Hamas war months underway, and the thousands of lives violently lost and destroyed, my feelings have grown more complicated.

The fear, anger, hurt, guilt, grief, paranoia, mistrust, hopelessness…it swells inside of me and there’s nowhere for it to go.

I feel isolated pretty much everywhere.

I don’t understand the numb-to-violence Jews who are twisting themselves into babka trying to rationalize all this destruction and violence that Israel is responsible for (“The IDF is TRYING to help get aid to Gaza! What about Egypt and Jordan, why isn’t the world angry that they aren’t helping Palestinians?”). Show me a Jewish person who can stomach this violence and I’ll show you a Jewish person who is so terrified, hurt and alienated that they think this violence is the only way for them to feel safe, even if it feels wrong in their gut.

But I also don’t understand Anti-Zionist Jews traipsing through encampments and validating a historically inaccurate narrative that Jews are not native to Israel. I don’t expect non-Jewish people to have a thorough understanding of the Diaspora, but Jewish people absolutely should know where they came from and why their ancestors ended up where they did.

Now let’s add angry college students physically barricading themselves on their campuses and making it dangerous or even impossible for others to attend class/finals/graduation while chanting that Jews are unwelcome.

And President Biden² who has always claimed to be pro-Israel threatening to stop supporting Israel with Netanyahu launching a full-scale invasion of Rafah.

So yeah…I’m not super loving the vibe.

I spent 70% of last month’s therapy sessions³ talking about the student protests and social media and the definition of an Intifada. I’ve been asking questions like: should I let my 6-year-old daughter wear a Star of David shirt to school and will I ever feel safe again? I am tempted to send the bill directly to Columbia University. Or I guess I should actually send it to Hamas.

I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know.

But! There are *some* things I definitely know. And when we get overwhelmed and confused, what do we do??? WE MAKE A LIST.

What I know to be true:

• The violence that is happening in Gaza is horrific. It is not acceptable. It makes me fucking sick and feel a deep internal sadness and dissociation that is new to me. As Jews, we are used to standing on the Moral High Ground (where property taxes are high but you have a nice, big yard). Feeling misaligned with Israel’s government feels sad. I’m used to singing songs about repairing the world and turning our swords into plowshares. There are no songs for whatever the hell is happening right now.

• Benjamin Netanyahu is a narcissistic-wannabe-dictator and very few Israelis like him or approve of him as a leader or the way he’s handled this war. Only 15% of Israelis want him in power (for context, Trump’s lowest approval rating as president was 29%).

• Protesting against Israel’s actions in Gaza is not antisemitic. But a lot of the language and the actions around protesting are. To learn the nuances, please read Bess Kalb’s “definitive list” here.

• The Israeli hostages need to be released now (or ya know, 8 months ago). While the war is WILDLY out of hand and has been “mishandled” (understatement of life), it’s important to remember that the war is a direct result of an inhumane, violent act of terrorism that any other country would be rocked by, as well.

• We need to find a two-state solution that gives Palestinians autonomy and is also not an active threat to Israel. The only way to do this is to work together. I know this is possible. Palestinians and Israelis know this is possible, too.

weareikar

A post shared by @weareikar

The only thing bringing me a modicum of hope, is this 22-minute video of Israeli Rudy Rochman having a discussion with a whole group of Pro-Palestinian protestors. The patience, education, and respect displayed…it’s inspiring. AND the amount of emotional labor required to have these conversations in this way is astounding. I’d much rather shout into my pillow at home. 

If you have the curiosity and time, I suggest grabbing a cup of tea or a stiff drink and watching all 22 minutes.

I want to virtue-signal via my wardrobe, too.

Over the last week, I’ve seen a few folks in Minneapolis wearing shirts with Palestinian flags across their chests like band merch. Draping keffiyehs around their necks with the same confidence with which I wore my huge American Apparel circle scarf in 2011.

And while I know that wearing a Palestinian flag on a t-shirt doesn’t necessarily mean you’re antisemitic or even “Anti-Israel,” I just now assume that you are. The same way when I see an old white dude in a MAGA hat, I just assume that he doesn’t care about my right to body autonomy. Do I know that for 100% certainty? No. But I can make an educated guess.

I decided that I wanted to buy some kind of “Standing with Israel, but Not the Israeli Government” shirt to make my own opinion more visible (weirdly, I couldn’t find that option). And I hated almost all of the options I saw on Etsy⁴.

This “Proud” shirt especially stood out to me - because I don’t feel proud. I’m not proud of how the Israeli government has chosen to defend itself. I’m not proud of all the innocent deaths. I’m not proud of my fellow Jews who just want to cover their ears and write any type of mild discomfort or dissent off as antisemitism.

Here’s the thing: I’m pro-freedom. Pro-safety. Pro-self-determination. Pro-inclusivity. Pro-coexisting. Pro-respect. Pro-talking things through. Pro-Jews. Pro-Muslims. Pro-Anyone. YOU DO YOU. Just do it peacefully and maybe don’t rape or kidnap anyone. Conversely, this makes me anti-violence. Anti-oppression. Anti-starvation-and-bombing-babies. Anti-imperialist. Anti-terrorism. Anti-hate-posting-inciting-inaccurate-memes. Anti-alienating-one-group-of-marginalized-people-in-the-name-of-another-group-of-marginalized-people.

But that’s kind of a lot of words to try and put on a shirt.

Why is this a hot take?

And I guess this is where I’m the most stuck and confused.

Why is this a hot take? Why have I been *scared* to publish this post? Why are progressives making me feel like a Republican for caring about Palestinians AND Israelis?

I’m reminded of the Stephen Sondheim lyric from my favorite musical, Into the Woods: “Must it all be either less or more? Either plan or grand? Is it always OR is it never AND?”

In my opinion, this is a series of ANDs and they are fairly simple to follow:

Hamas purposefully started a war with Israel via a violent, hateful, horrifying act of terrorism, intended to incite unrest…

AND 

Israel wants justice by destroying Hamas…

AND

This has proven to be a fool’s errand and an irresponsible, devastating abuse of power. I’m all for defending your country…

AND 

Find it *curious* how instantly critical folks were of Israel doing anything to protect themselves, when I believe the attitude would be very different if a country like France or Canada experienced an equally violent terrorist attack…

AND 

I don’t know any Jewish people who feel comfortable or at peace with the death of innocent civilians and are happy with how this war has gone or is going…

AND

Hamas needs to release the hostages/bodies of the hostages they violently kidnapped…

AND

They are responsible for the lives lost and for using innocent Palestinian and Israeli people as human shields…

AND 

The Israeli government is also responsible for these deaths, OF COURSE…

AND

Hamas won’t release the hostages because it’s the only leverage they have left…

AND 

Someone needs to be the bigger “person” here and stop attacking groups of innocent people and children…

AND

It’s definitely not going to be Hamas…

AND

People in the west need to be outraged by every life lost…

AND

If they’re not, they should ask themselves why…

AND

Start encouraging reconciliation, compromise, compassion, unity and peace.

The antidote

The only antidote I’ve found: community and IRL conversations.

A few weeks ago I drank sake at a Japanese restaurant with an old friend and a new friend and we sat for hours trying to untangle this political knot. It felt so validating. The thoughts and worries swirling in my head were shared with these friends. It was safe to share our true opinions and not just the ones that feel culturally acceptable. And it was healing.

This is the only way, my friends.

So while the instinct might be to skulk away and isolate, fight that.

Fight that as hard as you fucking can.

1. If you’d prefer to hear from a Palestinian American instead who shares very similar attitudes, may I suggest this Medium article.

2. Don’t we think it’s bizarre that the U.S. will not negotiate with terrorists, yet is refusing to support Israel *unless* they negotiate with a terrorist organization? 🤔

3. If you’re Jewish and looking for mental health support, I STRONGLY suggest you find a Jewish therapist. It makes a HUGE difference.

4. I *did* end up buying this one, though!