Are Minnesotans cold?
❄️ The transplant's guide to emotionally connecting with Minnesotans
There’s a joke that goes: Minnesotans will give you directions to anywhere except their house.
But it’s not really a joke; it’s an insightful observation.
How do I know? Two ways:
When my mom and dad got married, she packed up her slay 70s dresses and moved from Manhattan to Eagan, Minnesota. She was lonely and miserable. She said she had a really hard time making friends out here–she was a Jewish stay-at-home mom from New York who didn’t love the outdoors…and in the early 80s there were no FB groups or support groups for new moms or transplants (not that she would’ve done any of those anyway). She was so unhappy that when my dad got a job offer in the D.C. area the two moved to Reston, VA with their adorable two-year-old daughter (me!)
I moved to Minnesota as an adult and have lived here for 15 years. And over those years, I’ve made about 5 friends who grew up in Minnesota1. I’m no mathematician but that equals, what, 1 Minnesotan friend every 3 years? The rest of my Twin Cities-residing friends are, like me, transplants. They’re from Wisconsin, Michigan, Tennessee, Louisiana, New York, Virginia, and even Texas.
You’ve probably heard the phrase “Minnesota Nice,” but unless you also live in the Midwest, you might not know about its passive aggressive undertones. Because yeah, Minnesotans have a reputation for being polite and friendly, but you can be polite and friendly without being warm, open, inviting, or vulnerable.
“Minnesota Nice” describes our culture of politeness and reserved friendliness which can come across as superficial or passive-aggressive to outsiders. Minnesotans tend to be courteous, but their innate emotional distance makes it pretty hard to develop deeper friendships.
For most Minnesotans, it feels safer to talk about the weather, the Gophers, road construction, ANYTHING other than expressing mild vulnerability or emotional intimacy.
When you move here, you meet a lot of people to make pleasantries with, but very few of them will ever invite you to a birthday party or cabin or book club or any other intimate hang.
They won’t tell you their dad just died or that they’re worried about their husband losing his job, but they will tell you their thoughts on the Vikings new quarterback or the new co-op’s rhubarb supply. They’ll smile at you and vaguely indicate a willingness to get together at some future date, but unless you literally kidnap them or stalk them, that shit never happens.
I’ve thought a lot about why this is. Why is the Minnesotan disposition2 simultaneously warm and frigid?
I have a few hypotheses:
Genetics. Many Minnesotans’ ancestors are of Scandinavian, German and/or Lutheran descent and these are groups of people who are notorious for being less expressive/emotional and more reserved/private. They just aren’t built with the same noticeable passion and emotion as many Northern East Coasters.
Thought this was a funny Finnish self-own. Minnesotans don’t need friends. 70% of Minnesota residents are FROM Minnesota. Their entire social circle is solidified by the age of five. They are simply not accepting new friendship applications. Which is totally fair—it’s just bizarre when you’re from an area with a LOT of transplants (hello, D.C. suburbs) and you’re used to the carousel of friends moving away, new people moving in, old friends moving back. You’re used to the friendship conveyer belt. But when you’ve lived in the same area most of your life, not that many people move away, and you already have a rich social life, you’re not really shopping around for new friendships. So why would they invite a random transplant from work to their birthday dinner? Fair enough, I guess.
Minnesotans (and most midwesterners) hate conflict. Midwesterners would rather listen to their neighbor’s lawn mower for 5 hours straight than have one uncomfortable 10-minute conversation with someone they care about. While they might humor you if you’re talking shit about The Twins or Prince, they will shut down emotionally if you try to tell someone earnestly that they hurt your feelings or you were disappointed by something they said or did. They cannot handle it. They much prefer passive aggressive jabs like, “Ah, late again, Helene? What else is new?” versus “Helene, could you try to get to book club on time? You always offer to bring wine and it’s frustrating when you’re late and we’re waiting for you.”)
Minnesotans really dislike rudeness. As a result, they’d rather lead you on with vague niceties (“Oh, yeah, that happy hour sounds fun!”) instead of just being clear/honest and saying, “Thanks for the invite, but I won’t be able to attend.” They’re so worried about appearing rude that they’d rather lead folks on or tell small fibs rather than express their honest thought or intention. They’ll compliment your hot dish or your outfit, even if they hate both. It’s not quite gaslighting since it’s never malicious...but in an attempt to keep the peace and be “polite,” they struggle to be clear. As my girl, Brené Brown, famously says, “Clarity is kindness” and I believe that 1,000%.
Minnesotans value action over talk. Minnesotans can be suspicious of smooth-talking outsiders (it’s not quite as bad as the Iowa Stubborn song in The Music Man, but it’s close). They place a lot of value on what you do and not what you say.
Minnesotans are great at setting boundaries—but are bad at communicating them. While many Minnesotans are friendly and outgoing in public, there’s also a deep desire/respect for privacy. Maybe it’s a result of the weather (and again, genetics). But this boundary setting is something I admire deeply about Minnesotans. The problem is that they never tell anyone about these secret, mystery boundaries or desires/preferences/needs, so when you’re excluded, it just feels icky and weird. Rather than clearly stating (again with the clarity), “Aw thanks for the birthday wishes! I’m having a small gathering with some high school friends, but let’s get some work people together for a happy hour tomorrow!” they just say they’re not doing anything and then you see pictures on their IG stories, like cool, thanks. While researching this post, I found an interesting Reddit thread where one Minnesotan said, “I'm completely guilty of this. I am more than willing to grab a drink with a friend, meet someone for coffee or go out to a restaurant, but I don't really want them over at my house. I have never had a holiday that included friends, only family.”
These hypotheses as to why many Minnesotans can seem cold aren’t good or bad, they’re just culturally different from where and how I was raised. I’m an East Coaster who was raised by two Jewish New Yorkers…so in our house, my sister and I were encouraged to:
Ask questions and give our honest opinions
Express our feelings and encourage others’ to express theirs
Raise our hands if we know the answer
Actively listen (which sometimes can transform into interrupting)
Accept and include others, especially if they are new or don’t have a large social circle
So which is better: East Coast cussing and trauma-dumping or Midwest manners and emotional distance? Of course one style isn’t “better” than the other; they’re just different cultures with different values.
As someone who over-shares and accidentally (in my excitement to connect) asks TMI questions, I’ve most certainly paid a social tax here. But sometimes it also breaks the ice; many Minnesotans find the change of pace refreshing. Because when you feel like you don’t have to mask who you are or what you want/like/need, you’re subconsciously giving other people permission to do the same.
Ok, so how do you make friends with a Minnesotan? Here are some tips (knowing that maybe these don’t work because, again, I only have 5 Minnesotan friends):
Ask Them to Coffee or a Drink: If there’s someone you want to get to know, ask them to do something that’s a low-risk and low-effort commitment, like getting coffee or drinks.
Be Patient: Many Minnesotans are slow to form friendships, so don’t be discouraged if it feels like things are moving slowly. Just keep showing up and being friendly; it often takes multiple meetups before people start to open up.
Don’t Scare Them Off: Minnesotans value humility and modesty. It’s important to find that balance between opening yourself up in a way that feels authentic to you, without oversharing and scaring off potential new Minnesotan friends.
Embrace the Outdoors: Minnesotans love year-round outdoor activities (the fun does NOT stop November-March when it’s -10 degrees). My first Minnesotan friend Lisa Ohnstad (shout out!) famously says, “There’s no bad weather, just bad winter gear.” So buy some long underwear and thick socks at REI or Eddie Bauer and go out for some ice fishing, snowshoeing or cross-country skiing. Participating in outdoor activities is a great way to bond with locals over a shared love of nature.
Ask for Recommendations: If you’re new to the area, ask for some Minnesotans’ favorite spots for music venues, breweries, hikes, etc. Everyone loves sharing their favorite places and then you have a good reason to follow up with them later on.`
Offer to Help: Minnesotans value helping others, so offer to lend a hand. Maybe it’s shoveling your neighbors’ walkway or bringing over a meal for a sick almost-friend; these gestures can go a long way in showing you care.
Wear a Sports Jersey: I wish this one was a joke, but honestly just wear a Vikings or Wild jersey around and start collecting conversations. Just make sure you check the ESPN app beforehand because they’ll ask what you think about this new player or that new coach…so be ready to give a milquetoast opinion.
Sniff Out Genuine Invitations: Sometimes Minnesotans will give noncommittal offers like “We should get together sometime.” This is usually more of a polite gesture than a serious invitation…so if someone gives you a specific invitation (date, time, location), take it seriously and try to go—it’s a sign they want to deepen the friendship.
So are Minnesotans cold? Naw. Their emotional thermostat is just set a little lower.
I’m defining “friend” here as in someone whom I deeply know and trust and would ask to come feed my cat or watch my kids during a family emergency
Obviously these are sweeping generalizations, so please don’t “NOT ALL MINNESOTANS” me. I get it.
So good! Just forwarded to my friend who is a transplant and has made some of these same observations!