An ick vs a red flag
🚩 Dissecting the differences between an ick and a red flag
Did you get a chance to watch Kristen Bell and Adam Brody’s new Netflix show, Nobody Wants This yet? This show is dominating the cultural conversation in my small corner of The Algorithm (elder millennials who long for the romcoms of yesteryear like You’ve Got Mail).
The basic premise is that Kristen Bell’s character, Joanne, (a petite, blonde, sassy podcaster) and Adam Brody’s character, Noah, (a dreamy, vulnerable, Hot Rabbi) fall in love and face a variety of obstacles including a jealous ex, bizarre family dynamics, and ya know…different religions.
After they start dating, there’s a whole episode dedicated to Joanne getting The Ick after Noah tries to impress her parents.
You mean to tell me she’s been infatuated with this man for 6 episodes and now because he’s “trying” (aka bought her mom flowers, wore a sports coat, and crossed his legs), she’s getting The Ick? Excuse me, but absolutely fucking not.
But wait, Elyse…
What the heck is The Ick!?!?!?!
First, a disclaimer
I haven’t been single in 17 years, so I’m not going to pretend to know what it’s like out there in today’s wild-ass dating world.
Before I met Brad, plenty of people were meeting online. I had my own share of both swoon-worthy and hell-ish dates on platforms like JDate and Match. But then Brad and I met at work in 2007 and fell in love and we both missed the tidal wave of app/hookup culture that was right on the horizon.
But just because I don’t know what it’s like on the front-lines of dating culture today doesn’t mean I’m not barraged with new lingo I’m then forced to learn and understand.
IMO one of the most confusing linguistic phenomena in today’s dating ecosystem is understanding the difference between an ick and a red flag. What makes one behavior a turn-off and another deep cause for concern? Can one person’s ick be another person’s red flag and vice versa?
So today, for us old, not single people, I’m going to break down the *difference* between an ick and a red flag.
An ick
An ick is anything that’s deemed a turn-off by a romantic (or prospective romantic) partner. It’s the feeling of being grossed out by someone for engaging in a specific behavior that you (quite subjectively) find at best unbecoming and at worst, repulsive. But usually it’s a small, slight turn-off.
😬 Examples of icks:
Chewing loudly
Having a messy bathroom
Nose-picking
Letting your dog lick your face (Elyse-specific)
Alcohol bottles being used as decor (Elyse-specific)
Icks are usually irrational and highly personal; they don’t always make sense (in fact, sometimes they’re hard to even articulate). Icks also usually occur early in the dating process, while you’re getting to know one another. They’re often related to either hygiene, cleanliness, or taste.
So yeah, an ick is just that—something that makes you involuntarily wince. And yet in today’s culture where any minor infraction or imperfection exposed while dating can be used against you and filed away as some kind of defect, an “ick” is sometimes cause enough to stop seeing someone.
I’m a big fan of Nick Viall’s podcast, The Viall Files—and as I was watching his Instagram stories last night, he gave this bit of advice when someone asked what to do after “getting the ick” from a new love interest’s clothing style…
I ship Nick’s take, wholeheartedly. But hold on a sec…we’ll get back to this in a minute. First, a short history lesson…
The ick’s foremothers
While the phrase, ‘the ick’ was first used on Love Island, the concept is nothing new.
I’ve been rewatching Sex and the City (for prob the 6th time), and I’m throughly enjoying the rainbow of icks all four protagonists encounter every single episode (there’s even an episode in Season 6 called The Ick Factor). Some of my personal favorites include:
Samantha dates a short guy but dumps him when she finds out he shops in the Boy’s Department at Bloomingdale’s
Miranda is grossed out by being hit on by a man in a sandwich costume
Charlotte breaks things off with a cute pastry chef because he’s too effeminate and freaks out when he sees a mouse in the kitchen
Carrie is turned off by her Russian lover’s old-world romantic gestures like writing her poems and playing her songs on the piano
Ok, now that we understand an ick, let’s talk about red flags.
A red flag
A red flag is a toxic or unhealthy behavior or personality trait that could indicate or foreshadow future problems or challenges in a relationship. While a singular red flag may not feel like enough cause to break up with someone, it’s an indicator of future trouble and/or toxicity.
Of course some red flags are heavier than others (a violent past vs a lie about the last time he talked to his ex). And multiple red flags can stack on top of one another to reveal some behavior or personality issues to watch out for.
Like icks, red flags vary based on your personal values and goals, but here are some examples of red flags:
🚩 Examples of red flags:
Doesn’t vote (or voted for a dangerous, sociopathic, lying criminal)
Follows/likes/comments inappropriately on IG accounts of models or hot girls
Has substance abuse issues
Has cheated on past partners
Isn’t internally motivated and/or finds no joy from setting and achieving their goals
Gambles compulsively or is irresponsible with money
Talks shit on their exes
Lies about small things (and/or big things)
An ick vs a red flag
Unlike a red flag, an ick is not indicative that there’s something troubling or toxic about their behavior. Icks aren’t signs that a love interest might be abusive or harmful. They’re minor annoyances. Quirks. Turn-offs.
And when you really like someone, you’ll overlook a few icks. No one is ick-free; even Pedro Pascal and Zendaya have their own ick-ish habits, I’m sure.
At book club the other month, we were discussing icks and my friend shared this challenge with app-dating:
“I’ll see a guy on a dating app I think is cute, but then in one of his photos his bathroom mirror will be SO dirty; like covered in toothpaste splatters, and I think, ‘Wow, you *chose* that photo for your profile? You don’t even see it?’ I won’t even give him a chance.”
I hate that this kind of thinking has become so commonplace. In today’s era of dating, it’s never been easier to disqualify someone based on a minor infraction. Anyone can swipe left for the most superficial reason—because if it doesn’t work out with that person, you have an endless buffet of other options. And if you think about it like hiring an employee for a specific job, why WOULDN’T you throw someone’s resume in the trash if there was a glaring typo?
I couldn’t help but wonder…is having too many options making us all wayyyy too picky and unforgiving, both in dating and in every other facet of our lives? (Cut to me trying to choose between coffee beans in the grocery store aisle, getting overwhelmed and giving up).
My ick with The Ick
Here’s what I’ve noticed: people who easily get the ick give ME the ick.
What I don’t understand about living in today’s culture is:
Why is it so embarrassing to try? Why is exerting effort or caring about something/someone so humiliating?
Oh, someone has an armpit stain? Someone is mispronouncing a menu item in a foreign language? Maybe those aren’t icks. Maybe YOU’RE just a d-ick.
This is why we’re all so insecure and self-conscious! If you want a perfect creature who never trips or misuses an expression, get a vibrator or some kind of sex bot.
“The Ick” is not a disease you catch or something someone else can give you. I hate to break it to you, but you gave yourself “The Ick.” That other person was just existing. Maybe they were just trying to season their dinner or haven’t had time to clean their bathroom or have crippling social anxiety. If you’re upset or turned off by any of those things, it says way more about you than it does about them. Experiencing an ick is a state of mind…a way of seeing the world. If you’re looking for things to be upset about or disgusted by, THE WORLD IS YOUR OYSTER. Stop looking for them and maybe you’ll stop seeing so many.
We are humans.
We are inherently all icky. Whether we have holes in our socks or talk to our pets in an annoying baby voice, our quirks are what make us unique and sweet and special and acutely obnoxious. So, grow up. It’s ok to be a flawed, messy, imperfect, person. In fact, it’s preferable.
Can we all please just embrace the cringe and relax a little? Please!?
The red flags, however, those are a different story. In the words of Dan Savage, DTMFA.