What if you just said what you needed?
Your needs matter. A novel concept I am working on.
I step off the air-conditioned bus and into a quaint, Tuscan town: Pienza.
It looks like a movie-set. Cobblestone streets. Hand-painted mailboxes. Pigeons. There’s a church, fountain, café, and gelateria forming a perimeter, creating a literal town square.
I had been looking forward to this day trip. It was day 4 of a retreat spent connecting with 11 strangers at a rural Tuscan vineyard. The vineyard was gorgeous. Exposed brick. Wrought iron. Groves of olive trees. The most magnificent sunset every single night at 6:27 pm. Complete silence.
And while the women I was retreating with were kind and lovely, the adventurous, independent, explorer in me was craving some autonomy and space. The day trip to Pienza would be the perfect opportunity for me to slip down a side street and find an off-the-beaten path cafe where I could post up, write, and slam cappuccinos for a couple hours. I needed time and space to write and people-watch. A break from the social pleasantries stapled to meeting new people “So, what do you do for work? What neighborhood do you live in? How is the traffic there?”
But also...I had just made a new friend, which complicated things. Nicoletta jumped out to me at the retreat almost immediately. She’s Sardinian, artsy, and witchy. She speaks English like she’s reciting a poem; every word is perfectly chosen. Simple directions are song lyrics. I noticed her Archer + Olive pens. Her watercolor notebook. Her gold jewelry. Her white hair and all-black jumpsuits. We connected quickly.
After stepping off the bus, Nicoletta and I wandered away from the group. I was excited to get to know her and spend time connecting and exploring, but I also felt torn. Was I going to miss my precious window for a solo-writing-afternoon? How could I gracefully excuse myself in this very early, vulnerable friendship without insulting her?
I chose honesty. I told her, “I’ve been looking forward to spending some time wandering by myself. Maybe we could hang out and explore together a bit and one of us could use a code word if we want to go off on our own? What should our code word be?”
And she said, “Why do we need a code word? Why don’t you just tell me when you’re ready to go off and that’ll be that?”
You mean, just tell her clearly what I need? Without an excuse or apology or dance of some sort?
The thought had never crossed my mind.
The retreat was hosted by Mara Glatzel. Mara has written a book and has her own podcast, both called Needy (you can guess what she loves talking about). Her work centers around the radical idea that all humans have needs and that our needs matter.
At the retreat, we discussed and explored what it means to identify, honor, and learn to advocate for our needs and how it feels to care for ourselves messily, consistently, and sustainably.
“Meeting your needs is your responsibility. And yet… you’ve been taught that pushing your needs to the back burner is the only way to get things done, that your needs are an overwhelming burden, or that self-care is a luxury that you can't afford.Real self-care is about taking radical self-responsibility for your care, healing, and purpose. Real self-care is about having your own back no matter what happens.” - Mara Glatzel
The retreat was fantastic because all of us were eager to flex our self partnership muscles. We were so horribly out of practice, and this was the whole premise behind the adventure.
What happens when a bunch of successful, maternal, over-performing, people-pleasing folks are plopped into a foreign country without their partner or kids or friends or work as distractions and are only required to meet their own needs?
What if you didn’t have to pick a place for dinner? Or make an itinerary? Or pack for anyone else except yourself? What if you just showed up and could then choose at any given moment how to meet your exact, specific, needs? A nap. A cup of tea. A walk outside. A dip in the pool. A new book. Some Netflix. And what if there was no right or wrong answer or best way to do it? Genius. Terrifying.
Of course, this is bizarrely hard to do when you’re so used to muting your needs to prioritize those around you (aka parenthood). Would I even be able to hear my needs after pushing them down for so long? I felt like a cactus in the desert getting its first rainfall in years. Water standing atop the arid soil, nowhere to go, the ground so out of practice and thirsty.
But we created a space where it was safe to express our needs without judgment or social penalty. And it was magical.
One gal interrupted a session to switch chairs because hers was a bit rickety and there was another, more comfortable option across the room. So she got up and carried the new chair back over. This sounds so small and stupid, but this act was revolutionary. I can’t imagine doing that before this retreat. Not in a million years. I would have suffered in the uncomfortable chair, afraid to appear ‘extra’ or ‘high-maintenance’ or ‘snobby’ or ‘unhinged.’ Better to be uncomfortable and perceived as easygoing.
WHAT KIND OF WILD-ASS CONDITIONING AND SELF ABANDONMENT IS THAT?
Another gal raised her hand and asked Mara if there was a place she could go dancing that night. “Probably not,” Mara said. “We’re in the middle of the countryside. But we could have our OWN dance party!” And the next night, we did.
The thing is, when you advocate for your own needs, you subconsciously give others permission to do the same (I believe I am bastardizing a Nelson Mandela quote, so please forgive me).
I gave up on writing New Year Resolutions a long time ago.
But I’m a sucker for accountability and self-growth so I started picking one word to focus on thematically for the year. It feels more attainable and positive than an arbitrary list of shit to change about myself.
My word for 2023: Self Partnership
I wrote it at the top of the first page of my bullet journal. Below it I wrote:
What can I do to embody self partnership this year?
More frequent check-ins
Advocate for my needs
Anticipate burnout feelings
Take up space
Mother myself
Take breaks
I then decided to define self abandonment vs self partnership to help me quickly differentiate between the two.
I am still practicing how to partner with myself. How to prioritize my needs and not abandon them at the first sign of conflict. I am learning how to live my values, take care of myself, and listen to what I actually want, not what I think I should want or what other people want. It’s not easy. But it’s 100% necessary.
I don’t yet know what my word or theme will be for 2024…but it’ll be hard to find one that is more apt.