My 5-year-old’s favorite tv shows ranked
The rubric includes categories like theme song catchiness and millennial-parent-enjoyment factor.
When elder millennials (like myself) were little, there were four kids shows: Sesame Street, Reading Rainbow, Mister Rogers and my personal favorite - the bizarre fever-dream-of-a-show, Zoobilee Zoo.
Then came Fraggle Rock, Barney, Lamb Chop, Wishbone, Arthur. Exciting stuff!
And then cable happened.
With Nickelodeon, Disney and Cartoon Network all banding together to emotionally devastate the hardworking folks at PBS, the number of children’s programming exploded. All of a sudden there was Blue’s Clues and Spongebob and Clarissa Explains it All and Legends of the Hidden Temple.
Today, we’re in mega-content-overload. There is FAR much children’s programming and most of the shows are the same. The formula I’ve noticed is as follows:
The quality of these shows ranges VASTLY. There are some shows my 5-year-old watches that I genuinely enjoy and sing along to. Then there are the migraine-inducing ones.
Below are my ratings for my kid’s favorite shows. I graded them on a rubric that includes the following categories:
Theme song and music: Are the songs bangers? Do they get stuck in my head? How much effort has gone into composing new songs?
Animation quality: Is it that awful 3D animation-style that I hate? Good lord, it’s so bad why do they all look the same?
Content quality: Is there a strong narrative arch? How is the storytelling? Does it make sense? Is there conflict? Character change? A lesson I can get behind?
Millennial parent likeability factor: Are there celebrities doing voiceover work? Strong jokes for parents? A reboot of a show I used to enjoy?
Least Watchable Shows
Paw Patrol
The concept of this show makes absolutely no sense. The city of Adventure Bay has invested all of its tax dollars into a very expensive technological infrastructure that depends on two children and a few dogs. It’s also Copaganda at its worst (“If you’re in trouble, just call Chase! He won’t violently attack vulnerable community members!) Thank goodness my daughter has outgrown this show and doesn’t watch it anymore.
Final Take: Hate. Would rather watch Big Bang Theory.
PJ Masks
PJ Masks is a cartoon about three kids who fight “crime” at night in their pajamas. It’s cheesy and the kids are insufferable. It’s all the worst parts of superhero shows (the binary good/bad) without any of the cool parts (violence). The villains make no sense, which is an overarching flaw with superhero shows made for little kids. The writers don’t want to traumatize their viewers (prob the right call), but then there are no real stakes for the heroes. Like what’s the worst that happens? A wimpy kid in their class might have their homework stolen? Call me when the PJ Mask kids have to save two ferries armed with explosives at the same time.
Final Take: As my husband said, “We don’t need any more shows about kids named Connor.”
Sofia the First
Sofia the First is catnip for princess-obsessed kids (aka my daughter). The show follows its protagonist, a naive whyte girl named Sofia who is thrown into the world of royalty after her mother marries the king. Sofia is trying to learn what it means to be a “real” princess even though she is surrounded by bratty step-siblings and other entitled royals. It glorifies colonialism and the monarchy in super bizarre ways, yet I’ve enjoyed the overarching theme of being kind and fair when you’re thrown into a position of power and privilege.
Final Take: I’ll watch it if I have to, but I’m gonna heckle it the whole time.
Somewhat Watchable Shows
Rainbow Rangers
Rainbow Brite meets Captain Planet on LSD, Rainbow Rangers is loose on substance but heavy on trippy visual and auditory stimulation. Tell me this song doesn’t slap.
Each Ranger has their own superpower and their goal is to work together to be Earth’s “First Responders.” I don’t fully get it - but I like the overarching theme of environmental responsibility. And did I mention the theme song slaps?
Final Take: Definitely gonna sing along to the theme song and annoy the shit out of my daughter.
Mira Royal Detective
Mira Royal Detective is about a young Indian girl, Mira, who solves mysteries for the royal family in a magical Indian-inspired land called Jalpur. While she’s a commoner, Mira is appointed as royal detective for her bravery, smarts and resourcefulness. Parents will recognize the voiceover work of Kal Penn, Jameela Jamila and Freida Pinto.
Final Take: Soggy Samosas! Mira is adorable; def a more palatable Sofia the First.
Gabby’s Dollhouse
My kiddo was obsessed with this show last winter. Then after I bought her Gabby PJs for Hanukkah she lost interest (of course). This Netflix show follows Gabby, a kid who is obsessed with cats and uses her imagination to turn into an animated version of herself and play with her kitty friends in a giant dollhouse. Whimsical and fun, it’s low-budget enough to feel homemade in that charming Mr. Roger’s way, but also polished enough to have adorable songs and good-enough animation.
Final Take: I’m into it but mostly because I have all the same interests as Gabby: cats, crafts, puzzles and playing make believe. Curious about what will happen with casting once Gabby hits puberty.
Legitimately Enjoyable Shows
Miraculous: Tales of Ladybug and Cat Noir
Now we’re getting to the shows with actual plots. What I like most about Miraculous is that it’s one long story vs small micro-plots that you can watch in any old order. Ladybug is a teenage superhero working and living in Paris, and she has a huge crush on her co-hero Cat Noir. There’s some weird mind-control shit thrown in there that I would definitely fail on a comprehension test, but my kiddo gets it and fully loves it.
Final take: It’s cute, but I also worry it’s a bit risqué for a kid’s show (just me?).
Star vs the Forces of Evil
Star vs the Forces of Evil is SpongeBob Squarepants meets Avril Lavigne. It’s Pixie Sticks in show-formation. Unhinged, brilliant, random and super fun, the show follows Star Butterfly, a young heir to a royal throne in a different dimension. She’s sent to Earth to mellow out and she befriends a human, Marco Diaz. The two travel to exotic dimensions and eventually fall in love (awww).
Final take: I want to be Star. She’s the coolest.
Vampirina
Vampirina does a tough thing in the world of children’s entertainment: it takes a topic that is usually deemed “scary” but removes all the terror out of it, making it fun and light-hearted. I credit this show for my kid being so chill about Halloween, ghosts, witches, et. al. The series follows a family of vampires as they relocate from Transylvania to Pennsylvania and open their own “Scare BnB.” Are you not instantly sold? In the first season, Vampirina tries to hide that she’s a vampire from her new friends. Plus, there’s a ton of fab original music and voiceover talent (e.g. Wanda Sykes and Andrew Rannells). It’s like a brighter, sweeter Addams Family with plenty of Millennial-approved inside jokes.
Final take: Adorable.
Gravity Falls
Gravity Falls is far and away the highest quality show my child has gotten sucked into. I wrestled with whether or not to include it on this list because it’s not a kid’s show. It feels unfair to rate it against Paw Patrol - they are just so fundamentally different. And yet, this is a show my 5-year-old loves so I decided to include it.
The show - a Twin Peaks meets Bob’s Burgers - follows the adventures of twins Dipper and Mabel as they spend a summer with their great uncle in Gravity Falls, Oregon. It’s a weird-ass town full of paranormal and supernatural incidents, so the twins investigate local mysteries with their buddies. Shit escalates fast. With excellent writing and fantastic characters this show has multigenerational appeal up the ass. The worst part is that the show ended in 2016, so there are no new episodes anymore. RIP Gravity Falls. We didn’t deserve you.
Final take: Brilliant + hilarious, I can’t get enough. Hoping this show molds my child’s full personality.
An editorial note: Bluey is noticeably missing from this list. That’s because my kiddo doesn’t like it anymore..which sucks because anyone who’s watched more than 7 minutes will tell you it’s A+ programming with the added benefit of your child picking up adorable Australian slang like “wheelie bin” and “bush wee.”
I LOVE gravity falls!!!!
I enjoyed this very much!!! Aily watches some of these too- I’ll pay attention and away her towards some of your faves!