Life lessons I’ve learned from watching “90 Day Fiancé”
You call it trash. I call it relationship research.
Even though TLC is an acronym for “The Learning Channel,” most folks believe it’s a trashy, exploitative network.
And ya know what? That’s fair.
TLC is home to many notoriously problematic shows like Jon + Kate Plus Eight (emotionally abusive) and 17 Kids and Counting (sexually abusive)...plus just some bizarre and upsetting content (for me, it’s the explicit commercial for Dr. Pimple Popper shown without my consent. Can I sue for that? It’s traumatizing and I refuse to link to it).
But their current franchise white whale, 90 Day Fiancé, is an advanced level course in psychology and anthropology. And I love it.
For those of you who have been able to successfully avoid this pop cultural juggernaut for the last 9 years, the reality show follows a few different couples each season navigating the hurdles of international dating and marriage.
The premise usually goes something like: Middle-aged American man in small town feels jaded by strong, mouthy American women and joins an international dating website where he falls in love with a Southeast Asian / South American / Eastern European woman. They get a K-1 Visa for their partner who flies to their small town, starting the 90-day clock on the visa to decide whether they will get married and the partner will stay state-side, or not…
How will they be together? Will they be together? Do their families approve? Where will they live? What kind of work will they do? Is she just using him for money/security/fame/a green card?
Obviously the genders and countries, languages and religions all vary, but the show asks: What happens when two people from two different cultures, speaking two different languages and usually practicing two different religions fall in love and want to join forces in domestic partnership? What happens when their family members don’t approve? When they disagree about finances and who should work how much and when? When the United States government doesn’t approve their visa? When they have wildly different definitions of core values like loyalty and recreation? When they disagree on whether to have children and how to raise them? And what happens when they accidentally impregnate someone who lives across the world?
Naturally, the results range from unexpectedly sweet, to irresponsible and reckless, all the way back around to shocking, delusional and depressing.
You find yourself constantly wondering, “Oh God - is this brilliant, beautiful woman really leaving her home, family and career to travel across the world for the mid-est insurance salesman in rural Kansas?” Usually, the answer is yes.
This show is shot documentary-style with real footage of the couples both together and apart. The producers also shoot many interviews with them individually and together.
It should be studied by filmmaking students. Shown at Cannes. It’s genius. The way these producers tell stories, edit footage and reveal shocking information; it’s cinema. Laugh all you want, but this is the best reality show on television and has been for years. It’s The Office, but real.
90 Day Fiancé is so commercially successful that it’s launched a series of spinoffs like:
90 Day the Other Way - Perfect for the schadenfreude-leaning folks like myself who love watching White women cry their way through the streets of India, as the locals look on, super confused
Before the 90 Days - A Catfish-esque show that documents international couples meeting for the first time after connecting online (with a lower success rate for couples)
After the 90 Days - Watching the inevitable fallout that happens after our couples decide to get married and live in the United States
Loren & Alexei - Now there are full seasons of new shows that follow specific franchise sweethearts like my personal favorite, Loren and Alexei
The Last Resort - This new show follows the franchise couples that have been together but are on the rocks and give them group couple’s therapy (yes, irresponsible. Yes, entertaining)
Pillow Talk - Viewers create such intense relationships with the folks on this show, that they created a whole other show that features past talent WATCHING THE CURRENT SEASON and commenting on it. It’s meta and stupid and brilliant.
I’d argue that I’ve learned a lot while watching 90 Day Fiancé. There are quite a few Aesop fable-esque lessons and themes tucked into this batshit premise and I’ve been uncovering them over the last few years.
What I’ve learned:
Delusion is super powerful. We all see what we want to see. If we want to believe that someone loves us for who we are…we’ll believe it, even if all the evidence suggests otherwise.
Americans are weird about America. Almost every single American friend or family member on this show is suspicious that the international person in the relationship only wants to get married “for a green card.” Lol forever. Yes, let me leave me career and family and all my friends and learn a new weird language so I can move to a country where every lunatic has a gun and a simple doctor’s appointment can cost $5000.”
Communication is the most important part of a relationship. So many of these couples don’t even speak the same language (there are multiple couples that rely solely on translating apps and devices) and naturally, those couples tend to struggle a bit more.
Commitment is key. Sometimes all it takes to have a “successful” marriage is having two people who are into each other and COMMIT to the partnership. Sure, compatibility is important, but having two people who are both equally committed? Underrated. Maybe that’s why divorce rates are substantially lower for folks in arranged marriages.
True love exists. The genuine hope these people have is inspiring. While some people think they are idiots, I’m jealous of their ability to take huge leaps of faith.
As Maya Angelous said, when someone tells you who they are, believe them. In my opinion, this is the biggest lesson we can take from the franchise. So often folks in these relationships show their prospective partners who they are with their actions: are they working? Do they want to work? Are they trying to learn their partner’s language? Are they respectful? Open to feedback? Collaborative? Affectionate? Open?
This show is so good y’all. And by good I mean a dumpster fire on a barge in the middle of the ocean. I adore it.
If you want to feel smart and culturally sensitive and watch something wildly unpredictable while you play games on your phone…this franchise is for you.