In defense of Jewish Mothers

But seriously, bring a sweater.

When you hear the phrase, “Jewish Mom” what pops into your mind?

Odds are, you’re thinking of a stereotypical Jewish Mom as portrayed in the media.

Someone loud, controlling, ungracious and self-absorbed (probably with an anxiety disorder). A woman who always asks the hostess for a less-drafty table. Someone who mentions, “Adam Levine is just so cute,” even though she hates tattoos on her own kids.

So. Much. Animal Print.

Of course these interpretations in film and stories are usually way over-the-top. And it’s worth noting that not all Jewish Moms fall victim to this rigid mold.

#NotAllJewishMoms

As a Jewish Mom myself, I feel compelled to defend our group and state that we’re not all oversharing, boundary-less critics looking to nag or nitpick. We don’t care if you marry a doctor or even go to the doctor. We don’t bribe you with cashmere. We don’t want you to call us everyday and we certainly don’t want to be a burden in your lives. Some Jewish Moms are sensitive, subdued and want you to make your own mistakes. We are all different - and we all want to connect with our kiddos differently.

And yet…I acknowledge that due to generational trauma, cultural patterns and preferences, pressure as immigrants to assimilate, and so many other nuances it would take a theologian, anthropologist, historian and psychiatrist years of collaborative study to unpack it all, there is truth in many of the Reform, Jewish, American Mom stereotypes.

From generation to generation...

This is all top-of-mind for me as I watch the final season of The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. Between Midge, Rose and Shirley’s unique idiosyncrasies and shortcomings as mothers, I feel compelled to defend these imperfect mamalehs. 

Below are some of the positive sides of having a stereotypical Jewish Mom.

• We worry - The root of so many of our obnoxious behavior is worry. We worry that you won’t be safe or fed or warm or fulfilled or happy. We worry you didn’t bring a sweater. We worry your boyfriend isn’t good enough for you. We worry about you getting into a car accident and getting into college. But we worry because we care about you. And we do NOT trust the world or any of the other people in it. So the next time we’re annoying the shit out of you by asking you if you registered for health insurance yet - just know we worry because we love (even if that’s not the healthiest demonstration of love).

• We feed - You will never, ever be hungry if you’re the child of a Jewish Mom (or honestly, even in the vicinity of a Jewish Mom). We’ve got purse snacks. Frozen bagels. Milanos. Just say the word. Or don’t - we’ll ask if you’re hungry every 22 minutes regardless.

• We ask - We’re not being nosy when we ask you about your boss or your neighbor or the recipe you’re using for dinner. We ask because we’re curious. We care. We’re seeking connection with you. We want to KNOW you and why you make certain decisions, not to annoy you or judge you but to understand you.

• We push - We know life is short and how important it is to pursue your dreams. We want you to go after everything you desire in life and we know it’s not an easy path. So we push. Oftentimes it can feel like pressure, or like we’ll be disappointed if you don’t make it into this college or get a job at that company, but it’s our own way of nudging you and challenging you towards meeting your potential. Does that always feel loving? No. Can it trigger shame and enoughness and worthiness? Yes. We’ll try to loosen up…

• We’re clear - Jewish Moms are clear about our expectations. We’re not waiting around, hoping you’ll read our minds. We tell you that we expect you to be home for Passover seder. That we’d like you to shoot your cousin a text to congratulate her on her graduation. That you need to dress appropriately for synagogue. We know the squeaky wheel gets the grease so we squeak out what we need you to do (or at least consider). Best case, I think this encourages our own children to communicate their expectations and boundaries clearly as well. Worst case, it can feel judgmental and guilt-inducing.

• We teach - One of Judaism’s greatest values is education. A long time ago, giving your children an education was seen as radical and elitist. Today it’s a tool and resource that has helped us reach success as business owners, thoughtleaders, entrepreneurs, scientists and more. Jewish Moms know that education is one of the greatest keys to choice/independence and one of the greatest gifts of life.

• We hug - Jewish Moms (and Grandmas!) are notoriously physical in showing affection towards our children. We love to hug and kiss and snuggle and there’s extensive research that shows how emotional intelligence is affected by the degree of physical closeness you receive as a child. So, you’re welcome.

• We want you to be safe - We know how dangerous and hostile the world can be. We know how our ancestors were traumatized and targeted. And we want to make sure you’re fed, full and not freezing. This is the root of all our worry and prodding and nagging and questioning. It doesn’t always read as love, but it is.

• We want closeness + connection - This is at the root of everything we do. Our children are so important to us. To many less-healthy mothers, they define us. Their success reflects our success as mothers. There’s certainly a bend towards codependency and enmeshment in these relationships, but at the root of it all is a desire to be close. To be seen. To be connected to the people we love most in the world.

Ilana Glazer breastfeeding her sweet little baby.

I also wonder how these stereotypes are changing. ARE they changing? With the new wave of millennial and Gen Z Jewish Moms who have done a lot of work in therapy, I wonder how things might change for this next generation. Will they change?